USB stands for Universal Serial Bus, a technology aimed at connecting absolutely everything via an external USB device port – and man, they aren’t kidding. Every item you can imagine (and most you can’t because of your sanity) now connects to your computer. But by “Universal” they apparently meant that Bizzaro universe the Justice League ends up in every second month, where everything is reversed and technology is something spectacularly stupid only used for evil.
1. The Humping USB Dog
In a truly terrifying setback for all that technology and even evolution have been working towards, the very latest in computing is designed for people who think humping dogs are funny. And with this piece of plastic, such subnormals aren’t even giving a real dog encouragement. This U-S-Bomination plugs into an empty socket and immediately starts grinding its hips against the computer. That’s it. That’s all. It’s not even a flash drive, but that’s understandable, as anyone entertained by this couldn’t possibly have any information of any kind.
We’re working on upgraded version of this gadget, reprogramming it to work for the good of all mankind: when anyone plugs one in it immediately hacks their personal information and sends it to a central server. Which is connected to an Orbital Death Laser.
2. Mouth Camera
Computers have always advanced our knowledge but there are some things we weren’t meant to know: the exact condition of the inside of your own mouth being one of them. This USB mouth camera converts your computer into an inter-oral horror detector. Even when healthy, close-ups of tongue and gum tissue can kindly be described as “glistening”, and the sort of person prepared to buy plastic to jam into their mouth via USB connection is likely to have Mountain Dewed themselves to denturedom long ago.
Add the psychological effects: the instant you know about any funny mark in there, you’ll be carrying that canker around inside your own face for the rest of time. Just go to the dentist, and let him worry about it – that’s what he’s paid for.
3. Plantsense Easybloom
Easybloom’s invention looks like a good idea: a USB enabled sensor you can stick in any soil, leave it for a while, then hook it up to your hardware and it’ll tell you what can and can’t grow in that area. The only problem is that someone who needs full computerized sensors (with expert internet backup) before they even plant seeds is going to need Iron Man armor to water them, and will have to build Skynet to protect them from snails.
Sometimes it’s okay to just not be good at something, and if you’re fifty dollars in the hole before you can even dig a hole, that’s what we call a hint. The gadget also gives the incredibly incorrect impression that gardening can be made easy. Protip: if you want to make gardening hassle-free, don’t start bloody gardening.
4. Flash Drive Lighter
Are you sick of getting through security? Do you hate catching planes on time, or are you just fed up with not being on fire? Then the flash drive lighter is for you! A zippo lighter equipped with eight gigabytes of portable USB storage, it sounds awesome. Re-describing as “a small tank of flammable fluid with electrical circuitry”, it sounds a bit more like a bomb. Especially when you’re connecting it to computers which heat up like Casanova’s pants in a convent. We’ll file this under “items for our enemies” and keep our computers and combustibles apart, if it’s all the same with you.
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